Oh, Kale No!

Okay, first things first. If kale is just not your thing, this is not your post. I totally get it. Kale is weird and bottom-of-the-ocean looking and excessively crunchy if you're not super into crunch. However, if kale is not your thing ONLY because kale has been overdone to death for the past couple of years and screams of hipster lameness, may I just gently implore you: don't be That Girl (or That Guy, but again, I highly doubt you're reading this AND a guy.) 

As with all (admittedly) faddish food trends, there is a reason we all got hype about kale in the first place, and that is because it is baaaaaasically lettuce, except where lettuce has zero nutrients or anything positive going for it except crunch, kale has mega nutrients AND is crunchy. Now, don't ask me WHAT nutrients, because I don't know and don't care, and don't pretend you know or care either. But nutrients. So that we feel great about ourselves, because really, why else? (Health... okay, fine.)

So, cool, anyone who is reading is still on board with kale and ready to straight up substitute it into a classic Caesar salad, which we all know is a salad in name only because it is far too tasty and fatty to really be a salad UNLESS, you swap out the lettuce with kale and then blammo! Nutritious AND delicious.

I saw this Smoky Kale Caesar salad on Shutterbean a few weeks ago and if Shutterbean is not on your daily or weekly read list, then why don't you pause for a sec and go bookmark it real quick and then add into your calendar to send me a thank-you note in about a week when you realize it is the best bookmarking decision you made since this. 

I'll admit, with this particular recipe, I came for the pretty kale pics and stayed for the homemade croutons. If you haven't made your own croutons, this recipe breaks it down awesome-style and makes you into every friend's new BEST friend on account of how awesome you will be bringing it to the next year of parties. (Salad parties, I guess? OR SOUP. Croutons, so versatile.) Speaking of best friends, I first made my own croutons with my BFF and she does hers even more deliciously by frying them up in a pan, but this is not that this time, but for sure you could do that instead of the oven prep I SWEAR I AM GETTING TO.

Okay, we'll get to the salad part of this salad later (spoiler alert: it is literally just cutting up kale), but first let's crouton. The verb.

Anyone who has eaten shitty store-bought tiny baby rock croutons and still been like "Oh, ew! No, waaaaaaait, even this is very delicious" knows you can use any bread (I see you with your Wonderbread, Pepperidge Farm) for croutons. That said, hearty breads are the best. Tracy (we're on a first name basis, I guess? But also, I don't know her last name because, The Internet) over at Shutterbean says "country bread", and since I was already feeling smug about my good kale intentions, I went for the gold (also, hey, Olympics! but okay, they've been a little bit terrible, no? We'll talk later) and did "multigrain country bread". Feeling better about yourself because you use multigrain bread may not be the most sustainable form of self-esteem but it is A form of self-esteem, so there.

If you're wondering, have we even started preparing any food yet? The answer is no. We have not. Let's do that now.

Tear up that country bread. Or, I know I was mean about Wonderbread earlier but, really whatever bread you have is fine (but do you seriously buy Wonderbread? We're adults), because these are going to turn out great no matter what. As with all things I do, I was not very uniform about my tearing. I hope you let that give you license to also not be too perfect about it. But if not, maybe you need to cut instead of tear these and bust out a ruler and find that they're mostly 1"x1", aka bite-sized. I'm making fun of you. Don't do that.

All those little multigrains make this exceptionally photogenic.

(My girl) Tracy says to lay this out on the baking sheet now, but I made an executive decision to put the bread in the bowl and oil and season there so I could shake it all up. I have a notoriously shaky irregular hand with oil pouring, so for me the bowl-and-shake method (tm) works best. Also, it's fun to shake. Shake what, you ask? That's right, I didn't say. Olive oil (however much, but like, not too much, be reasonable about it. Soggy croutons are, in fact, not croutons) and then a mix of thyme, oregano, basil, salt, and pepper. Or whatever you have. They're croutons. We've already overthought them. 

Shake, shake, shake, then pour onto a (parchment papered if you're smart/lazy) baking tray and pop in your (already pre-heated to 350 because I meant to tell you that) oven for about ten minutes. After ten minutes, shake them around a bit, or manually turn each one over by hand (I actually did that because my Type A-ness takes hold in the kitchen in very inconsistent ways) and return to the oven for about five minutes. Take them out and let them rest on the warm oven for extra crunchiness. Tracy says to use day-old bread, I didn't have the patience for that and am here to report, I think they are still better than okay, but if you want to follow the actual chef, I definitely would not blame you.

This is pre-turn, but I'll tell you what. It looked very much the same post-turn.
Only a mom would know the difference. A crouton mom.

Now that we've spent approximately fifty thousand words on croutons, let's talk dressing. We're making a Caesar dressing on account of this is a Caesar salad and without a Caesar dressing, it would just be kale with stale bread on top. Which... yeah, I'd probably still eat that? But this will be better if we make dressing.

Warning: there is something really gross that goes into Caesar dressing that you cannot un-know once you know, so proceed with caution.

Ingredient Family Portrait, minus one because there's a gross surprise in store.

Gather your MANY ingredients.

- 1 tsp red wine vinegar

- 1 tsp lemon juice (mine is not fresh, oh my god, don't judge me)

- 2 cloves of garlic (or ~1tsp of garlic powder which I did because I just don't have the angelic good nature necessary to make up for my hands and hair being smelly all week in public)

- 1.5 tsp chili powder (I used cayenne pepper because I accidentally didn't know the difference)

- 1.5 tsp smoked paprika (I used regular paprika because it seemed like a spice I would use again, and so now I guess this is technically where my salad is not going to be "smoky" like Shutterbean's)

- 1/4 cup grated Parmesan cheese

- 1 egg yolk (which is gross but is TOTALLY NOT EVEN THE GROSSEST THING)

AND...

Let's be honest, probably a lesser king.

Yes, real Caesar dressing, even that which will be used on kale, requires anchovies. If you're a vegetarian or squeamish, you could leave them out, but don't delude yourself that you're making real Caesar dressing anymore. You're not. 

I don't know why I'm getting all indignant about Caesar purity, except probably just because I did dig out four anchovies from this can with MY OWN FINGERS, so I likely just need to justify that the complete disgustingness of that was worth it for authenticity. It totally is, right? Because it was really nasty. But I did at least take a moment to consider how insignificantly microscopic my own anchovy disgust was if compared with someone working at the King Oscar factory filleting and packing these little suckers working hard for the money. Respect.

All these ingredients get blended up either with an immersion blender or if you happen to have received one as a gift approximately eight years ago and carted it between six different apartments and used maybe seven times post-Pesto Phase 2k7, a Magic Bullet. Tracy details the proper order in which to do this, but I obviously ignored that and will probably die of salmonella because did I mention the raw egg yolk? Yeah, we're doing this real-Rocky style. But I think even if I had blended the ingredients in the right order, I might still die, so I'd rather live on the edge while the livin's still good. 

Once it's blended, if you happen to have a very precious little jar hanging around, go ahead and put it in that for storage. Otherwise, tupperware will do ya. (But, I need to be real with you, probably will not make your coworkers quite as in awe of your domesticity.)

This dressing matches my shirt, which also matches my skin, so yeah, I look like human flu today.

So, crouton's are done. Dressing is done. I know, I'd be totally fine if we stopped right there and just dunked croutons in dressing all week, but WE HAVE TO HAVE KALE. It's why we're allowed to have raw eggs and so much Parmesan cheese. NUTRIENTS. 

I think I got the wrong kind of kale to make it look like Tracy's, but real talk, my grocery store only had one kind of kale, and like I was going to know the difference anyway? But I do think my (unspecified type of) kale required a little more creative cutting than Tracy's. Instead of just trimming off the lower stem and cutting across the remaining stems, I sliced the leaves off of each side of the whole stem before cutting to size, because I'm eating kale, but I don't need to be a martyr about it.

It's still kale. What were you expecting?

Pack that stuff up, bag up those gorgeous croutons, grate some sharp cheddar cheese, get ready to out-cute everyone with your little dressing jar, and you're good to go on happy kaletimes for lunch all week. I tried each part and they were yum, but since this is an assembly-required lunch, I don't know how this tastes all together yet, so maybe terrible, but probably great. Let's assume great.

Souper Bowl Sunday

First things first. Before you get all indignant. I did not make soup for the Super Bowl. I'm an American.

I am, however, multi-tasking my pre-Super Bowl time with soup-making. For Super Bowl realsies, I'm attending a dip competition and bringing this desserty banoffee dip to really shake things up. Also, cheesy bread, because while it is not technically dip, who gon' stop me? Also, I made some weird overnight chai steel cut oats, which I wouldn't dare bring to a party because I assume they're going to be terrible, but the "overnight" part means we won't find out that unsecret surprise until tomorrow morning when it's too freaking late and it's already my all-week breakfast.

Speaking of unsecret surprises, it's still super cold in Chicago. I'm not like a crazy fan of soup (though this blog might have you presuming otherwise), but when it's this cold out for this long, soup seems like really the only thing. Also, red wine. But I've found that makes for an inappropriate workplace lunch. So, soup it is.

I got some new knives and one of those amazing knife-hangy magnet strip thingies this week because I've been hating on my terrible cheap knife block since I bought it in 2006 and if the knives weren't that sharp when I got them (they were not), you can only imagine how lame they are seven years later. So, fun colorful knifes joined the kitchen party. Had to keep some of the random old stuff from the block just like... because I'm a hoarder, but it was very satisfying to toss 75% of that dumb block in the trash.

They're so fun and friendly-looking! Still sharp, though. Learned that the hard way.

So, I had my new knives and I was itching to chop. I don't have as much time as usual (aka, all day) since I do need to bring my subversive cheese bread and game-changing dessert dip into the city later this afternoon, so slow cooker was out. I know, terrifying, right? I was terrified. But, turns out, you can just make soup in a pot. Who knew? Oh, everyone? Cool. Congrats.

This soup is starring potatoes, onions, and garlic. All really great cuttin' food. It also features pasta, spinach, and parmesan cheese, and those are all things I enjoy, so I felt really great about where things were going. It also features an incredibly fast recipe-read, so if you are short on time and just trying to get shit done, a. I am not sure why you'd read this in the first place and b. I already linked it already, so just go follow that, party pooper.

Picked out some good cuttin' food.

So we'll start with potatoes. Recipe called for two, I panicked at the grocery store and got three. I think you probably can't have too many potatoes. Unless you are on some sort of pre-bridesmaiding Cancun diet, in which case, maybe three potatoes was pretty dumb. You can probably imagine how well that (totally made up, never going to happen) diet is going. Okay, peel and chop those up. Bite-size is key, maybe you try for like 1"x1", but also maybe don't sweat it, because, chill.

So many potatoes!

Heat up some olive oil, three swirls or so in a very large pot, or you could use a Dutch Boy if you're fancy and know that's a type of pot and not a type of person. Toss your potatoes, sprinkle with salt, pepper, and - in my case - garlic powder and cook on medium-high heat for about 5-6 minutes. Or as long as it takes for you to chop up your onions and garlic, let's not get too precious about this timing thing.

Heating up the potatoes. Super photogenic.

Chop up your one white (or yellow... I don't think it matters?) onion. If you want to feel better about your chopping, see this photo below of how good mine is. You're welcome.

A new knife isn't going to just miraculously make me better at chopping onions.

Smash and chop three or four cloves of garlic. And then spend the rest of the day trying to get the smell off your hands, hair, and body. That is the price we pay for garlic in recipes. It just is. By the time you've dealt with all that, your potatoes should be happily crisped up a little and partially cooked. Dump in your onions and garlic and partially cover the pot for five minutes or so, while the onions turn sort of clearer. 

Potato + onion marriage.

Meanwhile, let's discuss garbanzo beans. Oh, did I mention this recipe has garbanzo beans? I didn't, huh? Well, it does. Now, garbanzos aren't like my favorite thing and as such, I do not lose my shit over hummus like I know I'm supposed to as a red-blooded female human under the age of 35, but they're hearty and hold flavor and what not, so we can be friendly for this recipe. Dump two 14-ounce cans, or one 28-ounce can (math!), with the juice drained into a bowl. The recipe didn't specify draining the juice, but have you seen garbanzo can juice? It's gross. Get rid of that ick. I added salt, pepper, and garlic powder again, basically because I'd like to eradicate these garbanzo's garbanzo-ness as much as possible. 

Garbanzo party!

Once the onion, garlic, potato party has been going on for about six minutes or so, you're going to dump a quart (one of those little Trader Joe's containers worth) of chicken stock and three cups of water into your pot. Aren't you glad you chose a big one? Things are getting awfully full in there! You're going to bring this water/broth/veggie/legume/rootveg rave to a low boil (takes about seven minutes on medium heat, because you can be patient and not crank it up to high and risk ruining the whole thing, RIGHT?) 

Now that you've got some bubbles happening, you're going to dump a cup or two of short holey noodled (mini penne or macaroni or whatever one you choose, you do you!) pasta into the pot. Have you guys used this veggie pasta? It's my fave. 

One serving of veggies is like, not even that much, but don't pretend this doesn't make you feel better about your pasta choice.

Once you've got your pasta in the mix, you're going to cook it to al dente level based on the cooking recommendations of your particular pasta. It could be as short as six minutes depending on your pasta of choice. Definitely err on the less is more school on this one, since if you overcook this pasta, I think the whole soup is going to be gross. No pressure. 

Pasta party!

Once you've got your pasta cooked, turn off the heat and add in some frozen spinach. "One box" or really let loose and do whatever you feel like. My frozen spinach was in a bag, and I am into spinach, so I did "one bag". You don't even need to have spinach if you don't want, so let's not obsess over the amount, okay?

Oh shit, who invited spinach?

I obviously scooped most of this soup into my dorky individual lunch tupperwares, but I was also hungry and needing to pre-game for Dipsville, U.S.A. later today, so I dished up a little bowl and gave it a parmesan sprinkle and phew, we're done. I never can be sure, but it actually turned out pretty yum. We did it! We won the Souper Bowl!

As if parmesan cheese doesn't make absolutely everything completely amazing.