Sometimes not. Last weekend, I made sea salt chocolate chunk cookies for the sole purpose of making my own day. I packed them in little pairs in ziploc baggies for the week, like a total dweeb, ate like seven right out of the oven, and never offered a single one to anyone else. They were total selfish cookies. They were delicious and just for me. Last week was that kind of week (on the heels of two more just like it) and I knew I'd need them. And that no one else could touch them.
This week, I'm essentially going on an apology tour. Hosted by cookies. Which is to say, the people who don't know that they weren't offered cookies last week are getting cookies made especially FOR them this week. Such is the delicate (psychotic) balance of my brain.
I saw this recipe for soft batch dark brown sugar coconut oil cookies mid-haze of work insanity last week and immediately thought, geez, get a catchier title. (Like maybe Molasses Mounds of Mirth? Catchy, no?) But ALSO thought, hey, these cookies are so weird and substitute-y, maybe I can make these for my coworkers as a thank-you for getting through orientation staff interviews this month and also, to apologize for (unbeknownst to them) not offering any (delicious! guys, they were SO delicious) cookies last week.
Because, honest to god, every single one of the other people in my office (there are five of us) is on some sort of weird diet or has some godforsaken dietary restriction, my baked goods usually end up being dissed and dismissed with some sort of lame "Ohhh, I wish I could... did anyone bring any meat?" excuse. Seriously, one of them just eats meat and cheese. I don't know what kind of diet he thinks he's on, but it's the absolute worst with regards to baked goods (and Food Truck Friday, but don't even get me started). In fairness, he's lost a TON of weight, so maybe I should take a second to check myself, but honestly, if I had to cut out everything but meat and cheese, I don't even think I'd want to live the (skinny) life I'd be left with.
ANYWAY. No one can eat anything and it's all we talk about all the time and ohmygod, it is so boring. I know more about my colleagues' eating lives than I know about a single close friend's actual real life right now. So, these cookies are ostensibly on the lighter side of life and while they technically still have flour... and sugar... and oil... and egg, they have the ostensibly "healthier" version of all those things and I think with a little fast talking and big smiling, I can get everyone to at LEAST FREAKING TRY ONE YOU JOYLESS KALE-GRUBBERS at tomorrow's staff meeting. (I honestly love the people I work with. So much that I want to give them cookies ALL the time. But also to never hear about their diets ever again.)
So, cool. These cookies have coconut oil instead of butter. Good brown sugar instead of bad bad very bad white sugar. One egg instead of seventeen. You know, all the regular stuff that makes you feel better about just eating a goddamned cookie already. (Still working on my sales pitch for tomorrow).
ALSO? Molasses. Which I love so much, I want to take a bath in it (them?). I have no idea what molasses actually are (is?), but I'm sure I'd have second thoughts the moment my toe touched the tub. So, maybe I just make these cookies. YES, MAYBE JUST MAKE THESE COOKIES NOW.
They're super fun and easy. If you like things that are a process and test your patience. Which, no kidding, I sort of do.
Number one, DON'T turn on the oven to pre-heat it. Let yourself benefit from my own lack of SAT reading the whole passage before reading individual section skills. These cookies need some fridge time before they're ready to bake, so either make ahead of when you actually want to eat them or plan to wait a couple hours while they get their chill on.
So, you get your coconut oil from it's little fancy Whole Foods better-than-you jar. You scoop out a half-cup of it and maybe some of the stuff from the spoon goes right to your elbows, because why not literal elbow grease while you're getting your mix sitch together? Then an egg, and a cup of dark brown sugar (I used light because I'm a badass like that. Also, I couldn't imagine that it mattered. Also? It's what I had and I'm just trying to make things happen here.)
If you have benefited from a wedding registry and already own a stand mixer, all this can go in there. If you're still single gal-ing it up with your hand mixer, grab that bad boy and get to mixing. The recipe says to do this for 4-5 minutes or "until fluffy". You can imagine which option I chose. You can also imagine how loose my definition of "fluffy" became when I rounded the corner of minute two and was already sore from honestly just holding the hand mixer. Like, how did I get sore from that? Whatever, I did. So I stopped and called it fluffy.
Then came the delightful smells portion of this recipe. I have no idea why this part was separate, except on the off-chance the recipe-maker is equally enamored of the smells of vanilla and molasses as I am. Because 2 TABLEspoons of vanilla and a tablespoon of molasses get added and it's just like, hey, is this what Heaven smells like because sign me up. Mix those in. Or take a bath in it. No judgement.
Then you've got your dry ingredients. 1 3/4 cup of flour (if you wanted to really bougie these up, you could use whole wheat. Actually, don't. That's sounds like it would be gross. Just take your coconut oil and be happy with it.), 2 teaspoons of corn starch (which if you don't have, don't be afraid to buy. I'm not naming names, but some people may have thought it would be a big baking investment item. It is for SURE not.), a teaspoon of baking soda and an optional dash or two of salt. I'm always going to take that option when it's given to me, but totally your call.
Mix these together separately and then add in gradually. Oh shoot, did you already add them in one at a time to the bigger bowl? That's on me. My bad. I don't think it matters, but if it does, apologies. Let me help you make some cookies to make up for it. I'll try not to eff up the instructions anymore.
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| This felt artistic at the time. Now? Not so much. |
So, then you can scoop these out into little rounded balls. The instructions showed using an ice-cream scoop to do that, but the size of the finished mounds (is mounds better than balls in this sentence? you be the judge) struck me as excessive and if I am taken aback by the size of a cookie ball/mound/heap, that's saying something.
Also, just like as a student of human behavior (PhD, School of Hard Knocks), people feel less guilty, aka TALK LESS about how guilty they feel, about eating cookies when they are smaller. Since these particular cookies are being made at least in part to counterbalance the excessive talking about guilty food feelings, let's just stick on the small side and play a little game of annoyance prevention.
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| Molasses Mounds... Balls? Globs! |
Cool, so they're scooped. And ADORABLE! Just look at those little balls! Now you got to smoosh them. I used the base of a cup, no need to get fancy. If you flour it a little, you greatly reduce the amount of hands-on-ness you have to do with the smooshing.
Then you stick that tray (or plate, or box, whatever you have and fits in the varying degree of fullness of your fridge or freezer) in either the fridge or freezer. The recipe says you can freeze these for up to five days before cooking, but knowing me and my freezer, even the most delicious cookie balls will get forgotten up there in the Arctic Tundra (I have literally six loafs of random fruit breads that I've made and "stored for later". I'm waiting for the perfect emergency situation where banana-strawberry bread is the answer.) So, mine went to Fridgeville for a short stay and came out two hours (the very bare minimum the recipe says they can be chilled because I live on the freaking edge.)
I wasn't sure what the expansion of these cookie balls would be in the oven, so I went with 8-10 per parchment papered sheet. It's time to pre-heat your oven to 350. Actually, it was time to do that like ten minutes ago. You have to wait now. I'M SORRY.
So, neat, your oven's pre-heated. You pop a tray in for 8-10 minutes and pull it out just before it seems like a good idea. Trust me. Soft is key here and you do NOT want to overcook these yum-yums. Take them out, let 'em cool, all that jazz, whatever, you know you're going to grab one from the tray and burn your mouth, so I'm not even going to waste words here. Because um, I clearly have set such a high premium for what I will waste words on.
YAY. Molasses Mounds of Mirth! Brown Sugar Bonanza Balls! Coconut Oil Cookie Confections!
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| If you make something and don't Instagram it, does it even exist? |
Also, just because I'm sharing these doesn't mean YOU have to. These could totally be your selfish make-your-whole-week-better-in-advance cookies. And then after you secret eat one, you'll smell like molasses and everyone will be like "Ohmygosh you smell amazing! Did you bathe in molasses?" and you'll be like "Uh huh, yep, sure did." because you can't tell them you just ate a cookie and didn't offer one. Those are the rules.
If you just want to make these cookies and not monkey around with what I have to say about them, here they are with WAY prettier pictures and a much more restful type face. Is it because it's so very tiny? I don't know, it soothes me.
http://www.loveveggiesandyoga.com/2013/02/soft-batch-dark-brown-sugar-coconut-oil-cookies.html
